This Birth Mommy's Story

Not Adoption Related - Potty Training Help!

2012-03-02T18:45:00.000-08:00

I am pretty sure my son will go to college in diapers.

He will pee pee in the potty, but only if he happens to be sitting on it when he has to go. Tonight we have spent most of the night on the potty...no result. The few times he has gotten off the potty though, he peed in his undies. I've tried bribing him....no luck.

What worked for you???

Thank You

2012-02-20T20:30:00.000-08:00

I am so thankful for the wonderful people I have e-met through the online adoption community. I really appreciate the comments on my last post! I'm not going to make any decisions...I'm just going to back off a little while I clear my head.

Thank you all, it's so nice to know that I have such a wonderful support system here virtually :)

Feeling different....

2012-02-15T10:08:00.000-08:00

A while back I posted a blog about the "grass being greener on the other side". I thought I wanted more openness, I was jealous of other birth moms. I thought for sure their grass was greener. Since our last visit things have become more open. I found my daughter's A-Mom commenting on all of my facebook posts, and me commenting on hers. I found them sharing details with me that I hadn't known before. And it FREAKED me out. Why? I don't get it. This is what I always wanted, this openness, with no weirdness. Just natural, loving, openness.

It's overwhelming me. I feel the need to pull away. I actually thought about unfriending her parents on Facebook. Since our visit C has talked more openly about my birth daughter. He's always been supportive, but never really understood the situation. Then he got to spend time with her and her family. Suddenly her name is coming up in conversation more now, and it's freaking me out.

WHY WHY WHY? I dont' want to pull away, I don't want a closed adoption. I want this...don't I? I just don't understand.....

I'm not taking any drastic actions; but I am trying to figure it out. Maybe I feel this way because it's just different now? I've grown so used to the way things always were, that this change is throwing me off? I just don't know.....

Snow

2012-02-03T17:24:00.001-08:00

18 inches and counting!

2012-01-28T19:49:00.000-08:00

As I looked through my photos from our visit for the millionth time reality hit me. It's funny, you just get so used to living your life as a birth mother that sometimes you almost forget it really happened. At 16 years old I made stupid decisions and got pregnant. But at 16 I chose life for my child. At 17 when I thought I was an adult and knew what I was doing, I made many many more mistakes. But at 17 I gave birth to a beautiful 7 lb 11 oz baby girl. I went into the hospital on April 26th 2003 a naive 17 year old who was trying to do the right thing. I left the hospital on April 28, 2003 a completely different person. I had a hole in my heart that will never heal, but a new level of maturity I didn't know I was capable of.

As time goes on, you have to as well. And that is what I did. that doesn't mean that I didn't have set backs. It's been a roller coaster of ups and downs the last 8.5 years. And as I heal, and become more secure with my decision I always have a fear of forgetting. Sometimes I pull those baby outfits out, hold her tiny hospital band in my hands and force myself to remember every painful detail of saying goodbye in the hospital. I've realized just because the pain doesn't cut so deep and the tears don't fall as often, that doesn't mean I have forgotten. Being able to move on with your life without forgetting can be a struggle. I hope I'm finally finding that balance.

It's also a new chapter in my life for me and my birth daughter. As she gets older and understand more, our bond grows deeper. I can't wait to see what the future hold.

Peace

2012-01-24T17:22:00.000-08:00

It feels wierd to leave a visit with my daughter and not cry. For so many years it felt like my heart was breaking all over again every time I had to say goodbye.

That didn't happen this time. I truely feel at peace with the decision I made. I never thought I would get there. I miss her like crazy, and I wish I could see her more often, but I'm so thankful for the time I do get to spend with her. I'm thankful that she has an amazing life, and I'm thankful that I do as well. I'm thankful she has a beautiful smile and and an amazing heart. Adoption is amazing.

It's funny...I didn't cry at all...but when I got home and saw the comments that her parents wrote under the photos they put on Facebook....then I cried. Not because I was sad, but because I was so happy. So overjoyed to read such touching words written about me. I sure do love that whole entire family.

“Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” (Proverbs 3:4-5)

I trusted him, and I didn't understand why....but I do now.

My visit

2012-01-21T18:33:00.000-08:00

My birth-daughter lives in the mountains, about an hour and a half from where I live. I've been to the town they live in before for her dance recitals, but I've never spent much time there. When we pulled off the highway and started driving the back roads to her house I couldn't help but take everything in. Being able to be in the place that she calls home was almost unreal to me. At one point on the 4th mile of dirt road I was a little worried we wouldn't make it; but we did.

When we got there she came running out, obviously excited to see us, wearing a pink dress. I LOVED this. Pink is my favorite color; and she always likes to dress up nice when she sees me. One time we had dinner at Denny's and she wore the fanciest dress she owned. That reminds me of how I was when I was little. Getting to see her house, her bedroom....it was amazing. And getting to spend time with her in her own element, relaxed, just being herself was even more amazing. I had such a wonderful time, I can't even put it into words. This is why I LOVE open adoption.

Pictures!

This is the view from their porch...amazing isn't it?

She showed off her ballet skills :)

Both my kiddos :)

She loved the gifts I got her!

Matthew enjoyed himself too!

Tomorrow is the big day

2012-01-20T14:26:00.001-08:00

I get to go see my daughter tomorrow! I'm excited, and nervous and feeling super emotional all at the same time. I keep fighting back tears and I'm not sure why, this isn't how I normally feel before I get to see her.
I'll share lots of photos next week.

And on a seperate note....I got a huge raise at work :) And I'm just super excited and had to brag haha

Beautiful Heartbreak

2012-01-12T12:29:00.000-08:00

This Song...Wow...

espcially: "I used to pray He'd take it all away, but instead, it became a beautiful heartbreak."

And the date is set!

2012-01-06T13:33:00.000-08:00

Funny how that worked out, not even 10 minutes after I made my last post I got a text message from my daughter's mom! On the 21st I will be heading up to the mountains to visit my girl! I am so excited I can hardly contain myself. I invited my Mom to come along with us....this will be the first time she has seen her since we left the hospital. It's been a long struggle with my Mom but I realized it's time to move on and get over it.

I'm so happy, but feeling nervous of course. Also feeling a little uncomfortable about her Dad being there with his girlfriend. I get along great with her Dad, it's his girlfriend that I have issues with. I know it sounds like me just being a jealous Ex, but I assure you it is not. She is not a nice person, she is always trying to stir up things with me for some reason, no idea why. BUT, I'm not going to let her bring me down!

Update Time

2012-01-06T09:53:00.000-08:00

It's been way too long since I have posted. Life has been so crazy though, here is the update:

Our trip to Disneyland was AMAZING. I honestly didn't think I would enjoy the trip as much as I did. Matthew was such a good boy the whole trip and he was so excited. It was so worth it to see his excitement. My birth daughter has family in CA, and I knew she had been to Disneyland a few times. I found myself thinking about her a lot on this trip. I know it sound silly, but knowing I was somewhere where she had been made me smile.

We got back from our amazing vacation, and I had so much work to catch up on. We have some really big deals happening, so I knew I would be burried when I got back. I never expected what happened next though. Early November my entire office got laid off, except for me. It was a sad sad day. I work for a large company, but we work in a small sattelite office. There were just a few of us, and we were all very close, they were my family. It's been a big adjustment not seeing those guys everyday, and emotionally was really hard on me. I have a new boss now, and my workload has tripled. I'm burried over here and work is consuming so much more of my time it's crazy. But I am so very thankful to still be employed.

In December I was getting ready to ship out my daughter's Christmas gifts when I got a Facebook message from her Mom. Instead of shipping gifts she wanted me to hold on to them so I could give them to her personally! They want to have an open house for the birth families sometime here in January. I was so excited, I've NEVER been to their house. May seem silly, but being able to go to HER house and see where she plays, and sleeps and spends her time means so much to me. I'm so excited I can barely contain myself. No date set yet, they just got back from vacation so I'm sure I will be hearing from them soon.

Pretty boring update, I know. But hopefully I will find some more time to blog. I have a few things on my mind that I want to talk about.

Birthday Wish

2011-10-21T14:05:00.000-07:00

Today is my 26th birthday....funny because I still feel like I'm not an adult yet...but the numbers say I am!

My birthdays always make me a little sad. The best birthday gift in the world would be a Happy Birthday message from my daughter. But, she doesn't even know it's my birthday. I'm sure somewhere along the line her parents have seen my birthday, and if they just so happen to log into Facebook today they will be reminded. They aren't Facebook obsessed like some other (cough cough me cough cough) so chances are slim they log on.

Silly, yes of course it is. But, every year I know I will be waiting on pins and needles, just hoping, that I get a notification on the grand old Facebook from her parents, saying that my daughter says "Happy Birthday"

Also, hard to believe that it's been 10 years since I turned 16. The day of my 16th birthday it seemed like every opportunity in the world had just opened to me. Little did I know that in just a few short months I would find myself pregnant. 10 years sure does fly by....

I'm going on vacation next week. We are taking our first REAL family vacation. Not going to visit family, or traveling for someones wedding. A vacation just for us.....Disneyland! My son can't wait :)

The easier choice

2011-10-11T13:25:00.000-07:00

I can't even count the number of times I've been asked " Why choose adoption? Why didn't you use get an abortion, its so much easier"

I never really know how to answer that question. How do I even put the feelings into words? WHY would I chose life over death? REALLY? I chose adoption because it was NOT my daughters fault that she was conceived by two dumb teenagers who thought they could defy the odds. It is not hear fault that we were unable to care for her properly. Why choose the tears and heart ache that adoption brings? Because through the tears I got to see her grow. I got to hug her. I got to kiss her. I got to hear her say my name. I got to see her get up on stage and dance her little heart out. Being a birthmom sure can suck sometimes. Giving birth then handing your child off to someone else is not natural, but the second I became pregnant, I became a mother. And mother's do what is best for their children. No one ever said the right decisions would be easy. I feel very strongly in my belief that adoption was the right choice for me. And I thank god every day that I listened to his guidance and didn't get an abortion.

A blogger friend Jenn posted this the other day. It's an emotional read, (warning, it is hard to read, so be cautious) but once again reminded me of how happy I am with my decision. Even if my decision caused heart ache. At least I get to see my beautiful daughter grow up.

It's the little things....

2011-09-29T09:33:00.000-07:00

I'm very lucky to have an open adoption. I'm very lucky to be Facebook friends with my daughter's parents...I get to keep up with what they are doing, and get to see lots of photos. I'm even luckier that my daughters parents are amazing photographers! The other day they posted photos of their summer vacation, and one of the photos really stood out to me. It was a beautiful photo of my daughter with a beautiful mountain view in the background. So of course I commented on it. My comment, WOW she sure is beautiful. My daughter's mom commented back.....Well of course she is....she has good genes :)

It's the little things like that.....they make me happy. She is THEIR daughter, but they have no shame in sharing with the world that it's because of me (and apparently my good genes) that she is part of their family.

I sure do love open adoption!

Kids after adoption

2011-09-16T13:55:00.000-07:00

I have photos of my birth daughter all over my house, and that will never change. Lately my son loves going around looking at all the photos and telling me who the photos are of. His cute little face plasters my walls, and he loves pointing at them and telling me which ones are baby Matthew, which ones are small Matthew and which ones are big Matthew :) He also loves to find the pictures of Mommy and Daddy and Grandmas and Grandpas. Every time he points to the pictures of Rebecca he asks "who that" and I tell him "That's your half sister, Rebecca". No further explanation is needed to a 2 year old, I could tell him the sky is yellow and he will believe it, because I'm Mom. But what about when he is 5, and when he is 10....Rebecca will never be a secret in my house, regardless of who is raising her she will always be my daughter by blood, and will hold the most special place in my heart. That's the funny thing about this adoption journey...every time you think you have it all figured out you hit a new roadblock. And unfortunately there is no guide book. I will continue to tell him who she is, continue to bring him on visits, and continue to pray that maybe one day he will be able to view her as his sister and friend.

On a side note....My dear great grandmother passed away this morning. She was 99 years old, and an amazing woman. I haven't had the chance to see her in a few years due to the thousands of miles between us, which makes me sad. She never got to meet her great,great grandson, which hurts my heart. But now I know she is in a better place, and I hope that she will look down on me and be proud. I know me getting pregnant at 16 didn't sit well with her, and I know that my choice of adoption didn't set well with her either. I hope that she can see now that the choice I made was the right one. I love you Nana, we will miss you, but we will see you again someday.

2011-08-18T13:36:00.000-07:00

Today Rebecca's mom posted a photo on facebook of Rebecca all dressed up for her first day of school. She is beautiful and looks so grown up. I don't know why it is hitting me so hard....I can't stop staring at that picture, I am fighting back the tears and it feels like I can't catch my breath. Isn't it weird how one picture can have that effect?

All these emotions just came hitting me in the face, I love the good days....hate the bad days where I can't get my emotions under control. God, I love that little girl so much. I guess pictures like this are a reminder of what you miss out on, but also a reminder of how great her life is because of the decisions we made.

I've been loving this song lately.....especially this part:

Oh, I've loved you from the start
In every single way
And more each passing day
You are brighter than the stars
Believe me when I say
Its not about your scars
Its all about your heart

Radio show - link

2011-08-03T13:13:00.000-07:00

Here is the link to the radio show I did.
There were 3 of us total, an adoptive mom, an adoptee and a birthmom (me!)
It's about an hour long, my story starts around the 24 minutue mark

http://www.parkerhospital.org/body.cfm?id=259&action=detail&ref=33

Dirty Little Secret?

2011-08-02T14:15:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like being a birth mom is your dirty little secret? I'm always very open about it, because it defines me in a huge way, but not everyone in my life knows. My family knows, obviously, and my co-workers who work in my office with me know, but not all of my work colleagues know. It's not that I purposely keep this from them, it's just we are friendly at work, and maybe grab lunch here and there but the topic has never come up.

A few weeks ago the account manager from a company we work with often asked me to lunch. She is a wonderful lady, I really enjoy getting to work with her. We talked about work, then her kids, then my son, then at some point I mentioned my daughter without even thinking about. She had a puzzled look on her face and I realized she is one of the people who don't know. I explained, shared my story, and the rest of lunch was full of questions from her about my adoption, all positive of course. Moments like that I love, it's someone who thinks my decision is amazing, and wants to get informed and ask questions because she cares about me and wants to know me better.

It doesn't always go that way. I had a picture sitting on my desk the other day of me, my son, and my birth daughter. The package delivery guy (I won't mention company names) came in. We have had the same delivery guy for years at my office, he would poke fun at my growing belly when I was pregnant with Matthew, and filled me in on the funny stories I missed while on maternity leave. I honestly enjoy when this guy comes in, he's a nice funny guy....or so I thought. He asked who the pretty girl in the picture was, and of course I just said "oh that's my daughter" without thinking. He said "What? I thought your son was your first?", I explained the situation to him and he said "oh, so you thought adoption would be easier then abortion? How's that working out for you?" he laughed a little and left. I wanted to cry, scream, chase after him a sharp stick but instead I just sat there. How do you even respond to something like that? Part of me wants to sit him down and educate him on adoption and what a loving decision it is. Part of me says, he's just a delivery guy, and I'm just another customer he makes conversation with so what does it even matter, it's not worth the time.

Sometimes letting people in on your "dirty little secret" is easy, sometimes not so much. Oh well, roll with the punches I guess? In the meantime, I think I'll switch delivery services!

2011-07-28T09:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was lucky enough to be a part of the Adoption Perspectives radio show here in Denver. It was started by a wonderful adoptive mother who has started an amazing adoption program at a local hospital. She helps ensure both the birth parents and adoptive parents have a good experience at the hospital along with offering classes and support.

I was joined by an adoptive mother and her daughter, an adoptee. All joined together through our wonderful adoption agency. It was pre-recorded and airs this weekend, I'll post the podcast when it's available.

It was a pretty cool experience, being inside a radio station. I must admit I felt super cool with those headphones on. It is so rewarding for me to be able to share my story with other, if it helps just one woman who is facing an unexpected/unplanned pregnancy, or helps change just one person's opinion about those of us who choose life for our children then it is all worth it.

It was a bittersweet day though, we were supposed to be joined by our amazing adoption counselor Pam. Unfortunately she had a bad tumble down some stairs the day before. She is a beautiful woman inside and out, truly an angel living here on earth. She is also suffering from Parkinson's and I fear that she won't be able to keep doing what she does for too much longer. I hate to think of that amazing agency closing.

Love this article

2011-07-07T11:15:00.001-07:00

I love this article. What do you think of it?

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/09/fashion/09Love.html?sq=open&pagewanted=1

Exciting News

2011-06-22T14:17:00.000-07:00

My wonderful adoption counselor called me yesterday. She was contacted by a local Christian radio station and would like to feature her, a birthmom and an adoptive mom on one of her evening radio programs. And I'm the lucky birth mom! I'm so excited to be able to share my story with so many people. Life as a birth mom sure is cool ;)

Rebecca's Recital

2011-06-15T11:37:00.000-07:00

Last year I was invited to see Rebecca's dance recital. It was the first time I was ever invited to their town, their stomping grounds....it was a big deal. It was also the first time Clayton and Matthew got to meet Rebecca and her family.....even more of a big deal. I was full or nerves last time, but this year was different.

I feel like our relationship has really opened up over the last year, and the nerves pretty much went away. I wasn't able to find a babysitter for Matthew so Clayton stayed home with him. Taylor (Rebecca's Bdad) is also back in the picture this year, so we carpooled up there. That was a little weird for me. We get along great, but it was a little strange, after all these years, to be heading up to see our daughter together.

We got there a few minutes early so we could say hi to her before the recital. When she came out and saw us there she just list up and ran into our arms. It was amazing. I got to spend some really nice time chatting with her parents as well which was awesome.

The recital was beautiful, she did a fantastic job, it was amazing to see how much she had improved since last year. After the recital she showed us around the dressing rooms and backstage. She was so excited to be able to spend time with us and show us the "secrets" behind the curtain. I brought her flowers, apparently a good choice, the girl loves flowers. (I'd like to think she gets that from me!) It was so nice and relaxing to just be able to spend time with her. No weirdness, no nerves, just fun.

Watching her up on stage brought tears to my eyes. It's amazing to watch her. I made a stupid mistake to have sex when I wasn't ready to parent. But that "mistake" brought this amazing little girl into the world. And somehow Taylor and I found the strength to say goodbye to her, and because of that, because of all the heartache, and tears she was able to be up on that stage dancing. She got the biggest grin on her face every time she would look into the audience and see us there. She told me that besides Christmas, her favorite day of the year is when she gets to see me. What more could a birth mom want?

My Internet connection is painfully slow....so go to my personal blog for photos. They are towards the bottom of the latest post! Click here for the photos

Guess Who

2011-06-10T12:54:00.000-07:00

Guess who got to go see their birth daughter last night :)

Details to follow....but the dance recital was amazing!

Lyrics

2011-05-20T21:00:00.000-07:00

I love music....every kind. Everyone in my life has a song (or 10) that make me think of them. Rebecca by far has the most....
I was missing her a lot today, so I kept busy at work listening to all her songs, and now the lyrics are stuck in my head....so you get to read some! I know they aren't actually writen about adoption...but I interpret the lyrics my own way:

Always by my baby: David Cook

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitelyGirl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strongNo way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby

The Beat of a Heart

Sometimes its hard you don't want to look over your shoulder
because you don't want to remember where you've been.
there will be a time you'd die if you could only hold her,
I know cuz thats where I am.
So listen with all your heart, hold it inside forever.
you may find all your dreams have already come true.
Look inside and find the part that leading you, cuz thats the beat of a heart.

Here Without You

All these miles that seperate, disapear now when I'm dreaming of your face. I'm here without you baby, but your still on my lonely mind. I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time.

2011-05-07T00:01:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthmothers day to all my fellow birthmamas!

Be proud of yourself today for your amazing choice of life. Thinking of you all today.

Yesterday

2011-04-27T07:53:00.000-07:00

Last year Rebecca's birthday wasn't so bad for me. It felt like a normal day; this year not so much. I woke up in a bad mood...I was so cranky. I kept to myself at work and had a million thoughts racing through my head all day. I knew I was on edge so I was careful to calm myself down before I got home so I wouldn't snap at Matthew. I hugged him a little tighter last night and snuggled a little longer before bed. I gave extra kisses, thankful that I'm able to be his Mommy. After he went to bed though, I broke down. I cried and cried and cried. It was those heavy, my heart physically hurts cries. I remembered how tiny she was when she was born. And I wondered where the time has gone. Then her birth dad text me. It caught me off guard. We are friendly, and get along just fine but the course the messages took.,....surprised me.

Rebecca's Dad: Can you believe it's been 8 years
Me: I can't believe it, and I can't believe we have made it this far.
Rebecca's Dad: Feels like just yesterday. I hope you are doing okay today, I know it's a hard day for you.
Me: Yeah, I'm hanging in there.
Rebecca's Dad: Apparently we did something right, she's beautiful and so happy
Me: Yeah, we definitely did the right thing.
Rebecca's Dad: I know it's too late, way too late but I'm sorry I wasn't there for you the way I should have been when you were pregnant. I'm sorry for what I put you through, but it ends up we made an amazing little girl.

(Insert jaw dropping to floor here)
Rebecca's Dad and I dated for 4 years, we had only been dating for 3 months when I got pregnant. While I'll agree he wasn't around as much as I would have liked during my pregnancy (due to circumstances out of our control) I always was thankful that he was there for me, and stood by my side. I was so blindsided by this comment. I hope he hasn't been feeling guilty all these years....but after further conversation I get the sense he has. While I don't think any apology was needed, it did mean a lot to me to know that he cares. After a few minutes of texting he said that things were just spiraling out of control in his life. I told him if he wanted to talk, I'm always here. within 5 minutes he called. We talked for 2 hours last night. A little about Rebecca, but mostly about the problems he's having right now, which I won't discuss on this blog. While my heart hurt for him because of all going on, I was happy that after all these years, and all the heartache we have had, that I'm still able to be a friend to him. And that after all these years he can still open up to me. While I know I wasn't much help with his problems, I knew it helped me being able to just talk to someone. And as he said "You were there through some of my darkest days, and the most life changing events I experienced. I'm not sure anyone will ever know me as well as you do" So I was so happy to be able to help him a little bit. Then we were laughing about our lives. We had a beautiful daughter in April 2003 whom we placed with adoptive parents. Fast forward to 2009 and we both had baby boys....also in April. Just days apart. Weird right? I thought so. He chuckled and said "When I found out that we were both having boys in April, I realized that was the universe's way of telling me I messed up by leaving you, and we are supposed to be together"
How the heck do you respond to that? I just kind of laughed it off....but he was being serious. My head is spinning today. I love Rebecca's Dad, always will. But I'm not in love with him. I'm in love with C. But, every girl has that fairy tale idea in their head. The first boy I was ever in love with, the first real relationship I did, the first person I slept with....the Father of my child....when he broke up with me it was devastating. I sure could have gone without hearing that comment.

Alright, if you read this entire novel, props to you. It just feels good to get it all off my chest sometime.

Bottom Line: I made it through her birthday and was able to reconnect with the only person in this world who can remotely understand how I'm feeling about my daughter. So I would call it a success!

2011-04-26T12:23:00.001-07:00

Happy 8th Birthday to my sweet baby girl.
I love you so very much.

Love,
Your Birth Momma

April 20th

2011-04-20T13:11:00.000-07:00

12 years ago today, April 20, 1999 I was an 8th grader with no cares in the world. I was sitting in Social Studies class when an announcement came over the loudspeaker telling all teachers to check their e-mail immediately and ordering all students to stay in the class they are currently in, we were on lock down. None of us knew what was going on, and our teacher was not allowed to tell us. At first it was no big deal, we pulled our desks into circles and starting talking with our friends, but when the final bell rang, and school was over for the day, but we weren't allowed to leave....that's when we all realized something was wrong. Little did we know that while we were being typical 8th grade students, the high school just a few miles away was being attacked. Kids just barely younger then us were being killed, our friends, our fellow youth group members, our neighbors. One by one we got called down to the lobby as our parents arrived to pick us up. There was no bus service, we weren't allowed to leave until a parent showed up with a valid ID proving who they were. I was relieved when my name was finally called, I wanted to go home. When I saw my Mom I could tell by the look in her eyes something bad had happened. We got into the car and told me that there had been a shooting at Columbine. When I got home I turned on the news, it wasn't until I started seeing those images that the reality of the situation actually hit me. I was forever changed that day. Our every day lives were turned upside down here in Littleton. I was an 8th grade student getting ready to enter High School in just a few short months.....and I was scared to death. After Columbine I hoped and prayed nothing like that would ever happen again, unfortunately it has. And when my daughter was born I had hoped for her that she would never have to experience tragedy like this. After all, she lives in a small mountain town. The cliques aren't as present, and kids are nicer to each other up there, I felt relieved. then just a few short years later a man walked into the high school in her town, and took a classroom hostage. He killed one girl. My daughter knew that girl. My daughter's adoptive father was her youth pastor. That whole town was shaken, and my heart hurt for them. I knew what it was like to have those feelings.

Today, please remember the innocent who were lost 12 years ago today, and all those lost in tragic school shootings since.

Friend of Mine
©1999 Jonathan Cohen and Stephen Cohen and Andy MillerColumbine, flower blue, tenderly I sing to you.
Columbine, roseblood red, heartbreak overflows my head.
Columbine, flower blue.
Columbine there’s hope for you.

Columbine, friend of mine.
Turn our pain, to your gain.
Keep your heart on the mark.
With your love, love again.
Comfort, peace and sweet release come from you.
Where it’s true, I hide myself in you.

Can you still hear raging guns ending dreams of precious ones?
In God’s son, hope will come, his red stain will take our pain.

Columbine, friend of mine.
Peace will come to you in time.
Columbine, friend of mine.
Turn our pain, to your gain.
Keep your heart on the mark.
Comfort us with your love.
Love again.
Christ of grace attend this place we look to you.
Honor you.
Fix you in our view.

Columbine, flower blue.
Tenderly I sing to you.
Columbine, roseblood red, heartbreak overflows my head.
Columbine, friend of mine.
Peace will come to you in time.
Columbine, friend of mine.

Done Shoppin'

2011-04-11T14:40:00.000-07:00

Every year for my daughter's birthday and Christmas I get her an outfit for her Build A Bear (I made her a bear when I was pregnant with her). But I felt like she was too old for that this year. My blogger friend Jenn assured me she wasn't, but I think I'm going to save that for Christmas this year.

At our last visit she talked about how much she loves clothes, and pink, and purple and she loved my outfit. So I went shopping! I love my son, but I get so sick of buying blue, and shirts covered in monsters and cars and trucks. I had so much fun picking out girly outfits, I know she is going to love them.

But, I needed something more sentimental to go along with it, after hours of searching I found it.

Every girl needs diamonds...(even if you are only 8), especially when your birthstone is a diamond!
So I got her this:

It's just a small diamond, but I think it's cute, and fun, and very appropriate for an 8 year old, yet still nice enough that she can keep as a memory if she so wishes.

I'm so excited to send this all off to her next week :)

Birthday Help

2011-04-04T14:04:00.001-07:00

I've been MIA....lots going on. I don't know if I've ever been this busy before.

But, my daughters birthday is just around the corner. Help me, what should I get her? I'm getting her some fun stuff, but I need something that has some meaning behind it....any thoughts?

2011-03-10T20:16:00.001-08:00

Tonight while I was sitting across from my daugther and holding my son on my lap reality hit me like a brick wall. I sat through most of tonight's visit holding back tears. Sometimes it doesn't seem real, after so much time has passed all I know is life as her birth mom, and not her mother. She is beautiful and amazing and has grown up so much. It's hard to believe that the girl I was staring at is biologicaly my daughter. I was amazed just watching her, the way she twirls her hair, and the way she slightly blushes when the attention is on her.....I saw myself. The way she scrunches her nose when she laughts, I saw her father. And then I look to my son and I am reminded of how incredibly lucky I am. I have two beautiful children.

It's been 4 years since her bio dad went to see her, it was emotional for me to see them together. We broke up years ago, but I still care deeply for him. He is an important part of my life and I'm glad we have remained friends and are able to go see Rebecca together. And more importantly, she was beyond thrilled to see both of us.

Being there tonight with him made me think about our very first visit. Gosh, things have changed. We now both have sons, both born in April (5 days apart), the same month our daughter was born. Weird isn't it?
It's amazing to see how much we all have grown in the last 8 years. Our first visits were awkward and we didn't know how to act. Now when we see her parents its like catching up with old friends. We sat at that table laughing and calming down cranky toddlers, and figuring out who Rebecca looks like more, me or her dad. Seeing my son with his half sister melts my heart, I am so glad that he will grow up knowing her. He kept hugging and kissing her, and saying "Wuv You"

As we were wrapping things up she told us she was selling candy bars as a fundraiser for dance. I bought 20, and so did her bio Dad. Her parents laughed and told us that we didn't have to buy that many, but how could we not?

So now I'm off to look at the photos we took for the 100th time....and to eat a candy bar or two.

I'm going to see my daughter tonight!

2011-03-10T12:02:00.000-08:00

I'm going with my daugther's bio dad to see her tonight! WOO HOO so excited. I'll report back!

What not to say....

2011-03-08T20:26:00.000-08:00

A Facebook friend posted this......

http://library.adoption.com/articles/five-comments-not-to-say-to-a-birthmom.html

And this line really spoke to me:
"No matter how many babies you carry out of the hospital with you, you never will forget the one you did not"

With my daughter's 8th birthday and my son's 2nd birthday approaching I'm feeling a little emotional. It doesn't matter if you are unsure about your choice of adoption or if you feel 100% confident in your decision, birthdays are hard. Like I have said before, Matthew healed my heart. He helped fill a void in my heart, and while that void can never be fully filled he sure came close. But my baby is going to be two, where did the time go? My baby has transformed into a toddler over night. As a birth mom I make it a point to enjoy every second with my son, I treasure every smile, every laugh and every tear because I didn't get that with my daughter. Those nights where I'm fighting to keep my eyes open at 3 AM while I try to get him back to sleep instead of feeling annoyed and frustrated I cherish that time with him snuggled up on my chest because it won't be long before those moments are gone. He is amazing, and beautiful and inspires me every day to be a better person; but my heart still aches for just one night like that with my daughter.

While it's hard to believe he is about to be 2, it's even harder to believe that my daughter is going to be 8. I've missed so much, but at the same time have been so blessed to be able to watch her grow. 8 years since she was mine...since at 17 years old I somehow found the strength and courage to push after 27 hours of labor. 8 years since I said goodbye, and she said hello to her parents. What a crazy roller coaster ride this has been. I am very blessed to have two beautiful April babies.

2011-03-08T20:16:00.003-08:00

2011-03-08T20:16:00.001-08:00

My Wish

2011-02-18T21:03:00.000-08:00

I love music, and everyone important in my life has a song, or 2....or 200. My daughter has a ton of songs, all of them make me think of her for different reasons. BUT, my absolute favorite is "My Wish" by Rascall Flats. Do you have a song for your birth children? If so, would you mind sharing with me?
Lyrics below....I bolded a few of my favorites...and I need some help....keep reading :)

My Wish
I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow
And each road leads you where you want to go
And if you're faced with the choice and you have to choose
I hope you choose the one that means the most to youAnd if one door opens to another door closed
I hope you keep on walkin' til you find the window
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile
But more than anything, more than anything

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold

And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things tooYeah, this is my wish

I hope you never look back but you never forget
All the ones who love you and the place you leftI hope you always forgive and you never regret
And you help somebody every chance you get

Oh, you'd find God's grace in every mistakeAnd always give more than you take
But more than anything, yeah more than anything

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold

And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish, yeah yeah

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold

And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish
(My wish for you)

This is my wish
(My wish for you)
I hope you know somebody loves you
(My wish for you)
May all your dreams stay big
(My wish for you)

I want to somehow incorporate some of these lyrics into a necklace for my daughter from the The R House Couture but I'm not sure how. Any suggestions?

Hard Times....

2011-02-07T13:29:00.000-08:00

I still haven't figured out what sends me into these slumps. They are random, no rhyme or reason, no event setting me off....it just hits me like a ton of bricks. Last night it hit me while I was sneaking in a quick shower before Clayton had to leave for work. In between shampooing and conditioning I felt that lump in my throat form, and tears ready to roll down my face. All of a sudden my heart hurt, and I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I couldn't stop thinking about her. I held it together until Matthew fell asleep, then while all alone in my dark bedroom I cried, and cried and cried. I cried myself asleep again, like I have so many other nights before. Only wiping my eyes to sneak a quick peek at her picture on my nightstand. Today I woke up without tears, but with a heavy heart. I wish I understood why this happens, why this comes along with no warning whatsoever. I'm sad today. I miss her so so much today, I want to hold her today. Hopefully, I won't cry today....at least not until I get home from work.

Any of my fellow Birth Momma's have days like this, where for no apparent reason you just break down? Please tell me I'm not the only one.

The Grass Is Always Greener....

2011-01-28T13:17:00.001-08:00

The grass is always greener….

I’m not a great writer. I always have great ideas for my blog, thoughts constantly running through my head, but when I take pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard haha) it never sounds good. Many of my fellow adoption bloggers are very talented writers though, often times I read other Birth Momma blogs and I feel like they are taking the thoughts from my head and posting it on their blog. IT’s so comforting to know that the thoughts I have aren’t strange, and that other birth mom’s feel the same way. It’s also been wonderful to read adoptive parent’s blogs, especially the adoptive moms who are so passionate about birth moms, it warms my heart.

I love this online adoption community I’ve found, and I wish I knew about it sooner. But along with the positives, comes a negative. Adoption Envy. I didn’t realize such a thing could exist, but I found myself being envious of other Birth Moms. Don’t get me wrong, I have a wonderful adoption story. My daughter is beautiful and happy, and her parents are wonderful people. And what started off as a semi open adoption has become more and more open over the last 7 years. But some birth moms have much more openness, they see their birth children more often than I do, or their child’s parents follow their blog, or they know where their children live, go to school etc.

I’ve never been to my daughter’s home; I don’t know what her bedroom looks like. I don’t know what school she goes to. Her parents don’t read my blog. They don’t call me to just chat. We don’t hang out. And that makes me angry sometimes. It’s so easy to read these other stories and wish that it was like that for you too. But I’m not angry, it’s really no one’s fault but my own. My daughters parents have lived up to their end of the bargain, they have gone above and beyond the agreement we had before placement, I should have spoken up, I should have gotten to know them better before I gave birth, I should have developed that relationship with them while I was still pregnant. I should have asked for more if that is really what I wanted. I’m not unhappy, I just get envious sometimes (don’t we all?) I would be lying if I said I don’t want to see my daughter more, but I’m okay with seeing her once or twice a year; you know why? Because somewhere out there, there is someone envious of me….someone who doesn’t get to see their birth child at all, or have any contact. So for today, I’m going to be thankful for having a happy ending in my adoption fairy tale!

2010-12-30T07:55:00.000-08:00

When we were in Illinois for the Holidays my cell phone was acting funky. Every call that came in showed up as "UNAVAILABLE". So I ended up just ignoring most of the calls, because I wanted to concentrate on spending time with my in-laws, and Matthew.

At the end of every night I would check my voicemail, I get a lot of calls from some company who wants to refill my Viagra prescription for me, they just need my social security number and bank account info....and surprise, surprise almost every message was from them. BUT, one night the voicemail was from Rebecca. The second I heard her voice on that message I burst into tears. I couldn't believe I missed a chance to talk with her.

she called to thank me for the Christmas gifts, and to tell me they opened gifts early because they were going to California the next morning. She told me that she was doing well, and how Christmas went....and then she said the words that I have been wanting to hear since I left the hospital room 7 1/2 years ago......."I want to see you soon".

My heart is so full right now. I always felt like I was pushing myself on her, but not she wants to see me! I could tell it wasn't her following a script from her parents, she honestly wants to see me. I couldn't stop crying. I was happy and sad all at the same time.

Yesterday morning I checked Facebook while I was getting ready and I had a notification that I was tagged in 5 photos. They were photos of Rebecca posted by her mom, opening my Christmas gifts to her. She got her hair cut, into a cute bob with bangs. She looks so much older now, even more beautiful. And I can even see a little bit of myself in her now. Her Mom said that she loves the recorded book I got for her so much, she has listened to it at least 100 times.

What a wonderful way to end the year. I am so looking forward to what 2011 may bring. And I am looking forward to building an even greater relationship with my birth daughter.

Happy New Year everyone, I love you all. The wonderful adoption world here on the Internet has been my biggest support system, and I can never thank you enough.

We are home

2010-12-28T09:25:00.000-08:00

We are home.
What a great trip, except for the night that Matthew was up all night, and we had to go to the hospital at 5 AM, and we found out he had pink eye in both eyes and a double ear infection.

My daugther called me.

Christmas was amazing.

I have some things to share....in a few days after I recover from travling with a 1 year old.

Love to you all.

Merry Christmas

2010-12-25T01:30:00.000-08:00

My Christmas to all my Blog world friends.

We are in Illinois celebrating with Clayton's family.
I'm thankful to be here celebrating with them, but I miss my family very much.

Merry Christmas Rebecca, I love you so very much.

A Birthmother's Christmas

2010-12-24T00:30:00.000-08:00

A Birthmother's ChristmasBy Shonna K.It was the night before Christmas
and all through the world
Birthmothers were praying
for their precious boys and girls.

One certain Birthmother
Was trying not to mourn
For this Christmas was the first
Since her baby had been born

Knowing her decision
Was one for the best
She lights a candle in memory
Then sits down to rest.

The wick of the candle
flickers with light
The wind outside is howling
She finds little comfort on this lonely night

For this is the first of many
She will feel this great loss
For her child reaps the benefit,
She simply pays the cost

She takes out an old album
And gently dusts off the cover
It is all she has left
To feel like a mother.

She treasures each photo
of her little one
They are her only ties
To her precious son.

Silently a tear
Slips down her cheek
She wipes it away quickly
So she doesn't appear weak.

Christmas will never
be the same again
She will always be thinking
of her little man.

She knows through her pain
For him this was right
But her unselfish deed
Gives little comfort that night.

Her arms are still empty
Her heart is still breaking
He is with somebody else
And she is left aching.

Her heart sits on each page
Of that dusty book
In his eyes, his little face
The way that he looks.

The clock strikes midnight
It is officially Christmas morn
The first that he's had
Since the day he was born

She can't hide her pain
She can't hide her tears
This is the first of many
Long, painful years

But the light that she sees
At the end of all this
Is the smile on his face
He is truly blessed

With that thought
She slowly readies for bed
To sleep all night
Dreams of him in her head

She slowly lays down
And heads off to sleep
Knowing his memory
She will always keep.

Holidays

2010-12-17T09:18:00.000-08:00

Christmas is just around the corner, in fact we leave to visit the in-laws in just a few days. I love this time of the year, Christmas music, and beautiful lights, everyone is so merry and kind. But sometimes during the Holidays I feel like an outsider looking in.

I was at the mall last weekend finishing up my Christmas shopping, I found myself paying more attention to the other customers then my actual shopping. Watching the excitement of the parents when they score a great deal on the toy their child really wants, or the disappointment when they find out the store is sold out. Watching kids hold their Mother's hand as they make their way through the crowded store. It all makes me sad. I'm blessed to have an amazing son Matthew, and he makes this time of the year so much more fun for me. But, I can't help but miss my daughter a little bit more this time of the year. I would give anything to be able to see my daughter on Christmas, or to at least be able to speak to her on the phone and wish her a Merry Christmas, and to tell her how much I love her.

I stood outside of that Build A Bear store feeling the same way I did 7 years ago. I could feel my chest tighten, it felt hard to breathe and my heart was beating really fast. I felt the panic attack coming on, and it was strange. Why do I feel like this STILL, after all these years. I realized that the anxiety was different this time around. I realized that I don't know my own daughter, I don't know what she likes, what size clothes she wears, or even what her favorite color is. I was buying her the same gift I had bought her for 7 years, because I didn't know what else to get her. And it made me sad. I finally made it into the store, and picked out an outfit for her bear, but I wasn't excited about it anymore. I didn't even want to mail it to her. I want to go and pick out a special gift for her, not the default gift, but I wouldn't even know where to start. While we may have a semi open adoption, it hasn't allowed me the chance to get to know who she really is. And so my heart is broken right now, all over again. I'm feeling that flood of emotion that I felt 7 years ago. So Christmas is hard this year for me, but I'll get through. Bottom line is adoption hurts, but I made this choice for her not for me. So even if it breaks my heart over and over again, I know that her heart is whole and filled with love, so it's worth the pain.

Thanks

2010-12-15T08:31:00.000-08:00

Technology is amazing. I love my blog friends. It's so nice to be able to vent, and to express my feelings and to know that I am not the only one who feels that way.

So thank you, to all my bloggy friends, I love you all.

Bad Day/Week/Life

2010-12-13T10:50:00.000-08:00

I had a bad day, which turned into a bad week, which turned into a bad month. And now because of all the crappy stuff going on, I feel like I'm just having a bad life.

It's times like this, when the economy sucking stops just being a news story and starts becoming your life, that I hurt a little more. Money is tight, Clayton and I are tired, and we miss each other. He works a crappy job, for crappy pay, that requires him to be away from me every night., except for his 1 night off. During the week we see each other for 20 minutes a day. On weekends if he can survive on just a few hours of sleep then we get a whole 5 hours together. Matthew misses his Daddy, you can tell. When he actually gets time with both of us at the same time, he has this look of amazement on his face, like he forgot that we were able to be in the same place at the same time, together.

I'm sad, and worried, and upset, and it's times like this that makes me realize yet again, Adoption was the right choice. We are struggling to support our son now at 25 years old. Clayton lost his job and had to take a huge pay cut just to keep a roof over our heads. We eat, and we pay our bills, and we managed to get Matthew some pretty sweet Christmas gifts, but it took a lot of work, planning and penny pinching. Money isn't the only reason why I choose adoption for Rebecca, but it is an important one. I know they say that money doesn't buy happiness....but being broke doesn't help that happiness level either.

I can't even imagine what her life would have been like if I had decided to parent at 17 years old. I would have been working 2 jobs, plus going to school. She would have thought that her day care provider was her mother. All of this stress I'm under is making me think, and get emotional, and write rambling blog posts. But, I just feel like it's a slap in the face. Like someone is trying to tell me, you chose wrong with Matthew. You should have chosen adoption again, you still aren't ready. Why would you give your daughter a better life, but not Matthew. How come I feel like I'm in the same place again, after all this work and trying so hard to build a life for myself and my son. Maybe it's hormones, maybe its just the stress...but I'm feeling down and just needed to write what came to mind.

Matthew

2010-11-30T10:44:00.000-08:00

In August of 2008 I came home from work one day, sat on the couch holding back the tears. I hadn't taken a test yet but I knew I was pregnant. My body felt different, and my ta-ta's were very sore. I sat on that couch just waiting for Clayton to get home, trying to figure out how to break the news to him. He came home earlier then I expected and I blurted out "Grab my boobs, I think I'm pregnant". Yeah....not what I had envisioned saying! I ended up taking a pregnancy test a few minutes later. I sent Clayton into the bathroom to read the test because I was scared. He yelled out "What does 2 lines mean" and I fell to the ground crying.

Here I was yet again, facing an unplanned pregnancy, how could I go through this again? Clayton came to my side hugged me and asked me why I was crying. I replied "because I'm pregnant" and his reply was "Aren't we supposed to be excited about this?"

I was scared to death of his reaction, I knew he was a great guy, I knew I loved him, and I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but I was still scared. Within minutes he was on the phone with his Mom telling her the good news, he was over the moon. He kept saying "I'm going to be a Daddy" over and over again. It was strange for me, I didn't understand how he could be so happy, but it didn't take long for this to rub off on me.

We were not married, living in a 1 bedroom apartment, with barely any money in savings. We were young and careless, we blew our paychecks on going out to eat, happy hour and shopping. How were we going to do this? Mr. optimistic Clayton said "Don't worry, we will figure it out". And he was right.

By December I had a baby bump, there was no hiding it! We had put quite a bit of money aside for the baby and we were planning on buying a house in the spring when our lease was up. The shock had worn off and we were just excited. With my daughter I didn't get to enjoy my pregnancy, this time around was going to be different. I took pictures weekly of my growing belly, and every Sunday night Clayton and I would sit in bed and read "What to Expect When You're Expecting". But our 20 week appointment was coming up, and I was anxious. I wanted to know if this little baby was a girl or a boy.

The day finally arrived and with a full bladder I arrived at the Dr's office with Clayton by my side as usual (he only missed one Dr's appointment my entire pregnancy!). The ultrasound began, we saw a head, and hands, and toes and.....then the Ultrasound tech exclaimed "It's a boy!". Clayton broke down in tears right away, and so did I. Clayton was crying because he was beyond thrilled to be having a boy. I was crying because I was upset. I never told anyone, but I was mad that this baby was a boy. My whole life I've wanted a little girl, I want dresses and bows and pink, not blue and cars and GI Joes. I had a little girl, and I chose a better life for her, why was I being punished? As tears rolled down my face and I watched our son on that screen grabbing onto his toes, the anger and disappointment melted away. I am blessed with a healthy baby boy, there is no reason to be disappointed by that.

By time we left the Dr's office those feelings were gone, I was thrilled as I dialed everyone in my family to share the good news. Over the next few months every time I went to the Boys section, my eyes would wonder to those cute frilly dresses and I would think of Rebecca. I missed her and I was sad. I was sad that I never got to buy her clothes, and a bathtub, and pick out a stroller and a crib. Matthew was coming soon, and I knew I had to deal with some of these emotions. In the middle of Babies R Us, I had an

. I wanted a little girl because I wanted to replace my memories of Rebecca with a new baby girl. Wow....what a messed up thing to want. I started crying the second I got to my car, and I let it all out. I felt so much better afterwards. Rebecca would never be replaced no matter how many babies I have, and no matter how many of them are girls. She has a special place in my heart that no one else ever will.

On April 13th 2010, my due date, I went in to the Dr. My blood pressure was getting high so they said to come in the next night for an induction. My labor with Matthew was very similar to my labor with Rebecca. Induction, pitocin, epidural, epidural not working at the end, long labor, only a few pushes, and beautiful baby. Matthew weighed just a few ounces more then Rebecca. And he was born just about a week before her birthday. The second I held that little boy in my arms any doubts I had were gone. He was amazing, and I was going to be the best mother I could be.

Matthew is 19 months old now, and he has healed my heart in so many ways. As a Birth Mom I was scared that Rebecca would be my only chance at being a parent. Getting pregnant with Matthew, while unplanned, took that fear away. I'm still scared that I will never have another little girl, but I've learned that boys are a lot of fun. I've learned how to properly play trucks, and believe it or not, little boy clothes are very cute.

I enjoyed those first few days at home with him more then I thought. What a different experience to bring my child home with me instead of having to say goodbye.

I was young, I wasn't married, but this time I was ready. By time Matthew was 2 months old we had purchased a house, and he had everything he could ever need plus a whole lot more. He had 2 loving parents, who were ready to do anything and everything we could to give him a great life. We did it, and I was proud, very proud.

Matthew has gotten the chance to meet his half sister, in fact my favorite picture in the whole world is from this past June, me holding my two babies. He will grow up knowing her, and understanding how important she is to us, and that is a pretty amazing thing.

And now look at my little man! Oh how he has completed me. He is a miracle in so many ways, and he will never understand fully!

Christmas

2010-11-29T09:18:00.000-08:00

I got Rebecca's Christmas gift this weekend, at least part of it. I bought her the Hallmark recordable version of The Night Before Christmas. Ever since I saw this used as a gift on Teen Mom, I've wanted to buy her a recordable book. Why didn't I think of this sooner, now I feel like I'm a copy cat to some stupid MTV show. Oh well...
I sat down last night after Clayton was at work and Matthew was sleeping to record the story for her. I recorded each page at least 10 times. It had to be perfect, I couldn't stumble over my words, or speak to fast, or too slow, I re-recorded once because my voice just didn't sound right. It hit me after about 2 hours of recording, that this book doesn't need to be perfect....it just needs to be me....reading a book to my daugther. I'm always so caught up in how Rebecca sees me....like I always have to be perfect. But, doesn't she already know I'm not? First off, I'm one of god's creatures....so I'm not perfect none of us are. I chose to have sex at 16 years old....obviously I'm not perfect, she knows that, I know that, her parent's know that. But still I try.
So finally I sat down with the book, read each page one at a time, and that was it. The book is complete, it's done...even if I got a little tongue tied one of the the pages....that is who I am. I am an East Coaster who tries to talk faster then my mouth can work, I say certains words funny due to my slight Jersey Accent, and I read stories like a dork. But for the first time in my daugther's life....she will get to hear a story, read by me, her birth mom.

I am so excited to send her this gift, I hope she loves it as much as I do.

Thankful

2010-11-24T09:09:00.000-08:00

This time of the year we all discuss what we are Thankful for, and now it's my turn. It took me a long time to be at the place in my life that I could be thankful for these things:

I am Thankful that I got pregnant at 16 years old.
Call me crazy, but I am. It I didn't, I wouldn't have been blessed with an amazing little girl. J&J wouldn't have been blessed with a daughter, who was obviously meant to be a part of their family. I wouldn't have grown up so fast, I wouldn't have learned the life lessons that I did, and I wouldn't be the person that I am today. And despite the crappy hair style, and the extra pounds I'm carrying around....I LOVE who I am!

I am thankful for open adoption.
I would not have chosen adoption if open adoption wasn't an option. I am lucky enough to still be a part of my daughters life. While I do wish our adoption was more open then it is, I get photos and visits and I'm even friends with her parents on Facebook, how cool is that?

I am thankful for the wonderful support system I have found on the Internet.
Adoptive parents like the R's at The R House, and Brittany and Que make me smile, they are my therapy! To see women who are so passionate about Birth Mom's and giving them respect and letting the rest of the world know what amazing people we are, well they get gold stars in my book.
And to my fellow Birth Mom's like Stefanie, Birth Mom Buds and Jill (just to name a few), you all are amazing. I've gone through the last 7 1/2 years feeling alone, like no one really knew what it was like to be in my shoes. Then I found your blogs. You don't know it, but you all have pulled me out of some dark places, made me smile when I needed it, and made me cry too. You have showed me that I'm not alone, and that while I don't know any of you personally, I know that if I needed to talk about my daughter and my adoption journey, you would listen.

So thank you all!

And Happy Thanksgiving to everyone out in blogland, and Happy Thanksgiving to my beautiful little girl, I love you!

Christmas

2010-11-22T09:00:00.000-08:00

As a Birth Mom, Christmas is always bitter sweet. I can remember back to when I was pregnant with R at Christmas time. It was a strange Christmas for me, I was 17 years old at the time, and felt like I was too old to be getting gifts from Santa. I felt like an adult, after all I was carrying a child, and preparing to make a life changing decision to give her a better life. Christmas never went back to normal after that.

My daughter's first Christmas was extremely hard. Her birth father and I went shopping and bought her an adorable hat and glove set, a Christmas ornament with her name on it and a few other little goodies. But, the most important give from me was an outfit for her Build-A-Bear. When I was pregnant, I made her a special bear. The Bear has 2 hearts, one from me and one from her Birth Dad. It was very important that I sent her home with at least one thing that she could keep forever if she wanted to, and for Christmas I wanted to get her a special outfit for her bear. Standing outside that Build-A-Bear Store, I froze. I stood outside for a good 10 minutes, not able to move. I couldn't bring myself to walk in. The last time I was there, she was with me, growing and kicking in my belly, and now she is gone, she is no longer my daughter. I couldn't do it, I left. The next week I returned, with my boy friend (R's Birth Dad) and he held my hand as I entered the store. I cried as I picked out the perfect outfit, and had to keep reminding myself to leave. By time we paid and walked out of the store, I was having a full blown panic attack. It's like all the pain and emotions from the last 8 months just hit me all at once like a brick wall. Every year for Christmas and her Birthday I have gone back to Build-A-Bear to get her a special outfit, and every trip gets a little easier. Last year I went to get her special outfit with my son, and Clayton. It hit me in that store, and once again I started to cry, though the tears were for a different reason. I was so thankful for where I was in life. Here I was shopping for my beautiful daughter, who I love and miss so much still, but I was shopping with my son and my wonderful boyfriend. I never thought I would be able to be happy again after the adoption, but I was.

This year Christmas is a struggle for me. I'm still getting her a special outfit for her bear, but now that she is a little older (7 1/2!) I think shes getting a little to old for that, so I want to get her something else, but I just can't figure out what that is yet. I know that on Christmas Eve I will shed a few tears thinking about her setting out her milk and cookies for Santa, and on Christmas morning as I watch my son's face light up at the sight of all his gifts I will fight back the tears thinking of my daughter, but that is okay. All the tears and all the heartache are worth it.

My Adoption Story

2010-11-20T14:44:00.000-08:00

Hi there,
I'm Katie, I am 25 years old and I live in Littleton, Colorado. I have a beautiful son, Matthew, who is 18 months. And I am Birth Mommy to a beautiful little girl who is 7 1/2.....this is my story...

When I was 16 I fell in love.....and after a few months of dating I decided I was adult enough to take it to the next level....and I ended up getting pregnant. 16 and pregnant, not exactly the ideal situation. For me at that moment in my life Abortion just wasn't an option for me, so that meant I was going to become a Mother. My boyfriend and I visited a place called Options Pregnancy Center, we spent a long time there just talking....and as we were leaving they gave me a list of local adoption agencies. I got home, and gave the list to my Mom and went to work. She wanted me to chose adoption, but I didn't. How could I have this baby growing in me for 9 long months and they just say goodbye and never see her or him again? Not happening!"

My Mom decided to go ahead and call the adoption agencies anyways, she went down the list and got voice mail after voicemail....until someone finally picked up the phone. She scheduled a meeting with the adoption counselor Pam, and drug me along. Pam was the nicest woman I had ever met, but I hated her. I didn't want to be at that meeting, I didn't want to even think about adoption, and I was really angry at my Mother for making me go. After the meeting Pam asked if we could meet for lunch in a few weeks, I agreed, only because she was so nice and I felt guilty saying no. That lunch was great, and the lunch the week after, and the week after that, I realized that Pam wasn't trying to convince me to give away my child, just offering her friendship, guidance and support. She spoke about all the options I had, Abortion, Adoption and Parenting. After many many of these lunch meetings, I decided to talk to my boyfriend about adoption. I finally convinced him to come along with me to meet Pam, she explained to him how open adoptions work, how we can pick the parents, and still have contact with our child. We both thought this could be the right option, but how can you be sure? The next few months were full of ups and downs. We found out that I was having a little girl, we got to see her beautiful little outline on the ultrasound, WOW what an amazing moment that was. My 17th birthday came and went, strange to celebrate that birthday Pregnant. I was a Senior in High School, so I dealt with the day to day crap at school, and the nasty girls who started lots of rumors, but I didn't care anymore. Why should I care what they think, I'm doing this for me and my baby, not for them. At the end of February we decided to meet with a family, we had seem their profile and something about them just spoke to us. I have never been so nervous in my whole life. But, they were amazing! So kind and funny and they wanted an open adoption. They had already adopted a little girl, she was 4 at the time. And at this meeting she told me all about her Birth Parents, and the amazing life she has with her adoptive parents. I was sold. I loved my daughter so much, and wanted her to have an amazing life, a life that I couldn't give her at 17.

The night of my Senior Prom, April 25, 2003 I was laying in bed wishing I was at prom with all my friends when my water broke. 17 hours later on April 26 my beautiful daugther Rebecca was born. We spent two amazing days in the hospital with her before having to say good bye. It was, by far, the hardest moment of my life.

Fast forward to today, 7 years later....I think about my daughter every day. The last 7 years have been a struggle. But I'm comforted knowing she has such an amazing life, a life I wasn't able to give her at 17, and even better I still get to be a part of her life! And we have a great relationship. I'm friends with her parents on Facebook,we e-mail all the time, and just 2 weeks ago C, the Bean and I all drove up to the town where she lives for her dance recital. It was her first time meeting C and the Bean. I now have a picture of me with my 2 children.....what more could I ask for? A very selfless decision at a young age, which in turn created such a happy ending for so many. I love you J, with all my heart, and I always will!

So fellow bloggers, now you know who I really am.